Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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