is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
