I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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