Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
