I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
