My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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