he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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