after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
