totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
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