You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She bit a glass in half.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
