I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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