Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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