Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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