Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
someone get that fucking seahorse.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Randomize
