Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
