my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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