i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
