Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
