you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
