You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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