he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
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i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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