I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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