The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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