I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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