If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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