just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Randomize
