I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
There r osticjed everywhere
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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