I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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