trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
