I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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