I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
