I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
