the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
