i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
