apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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