When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
