Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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