i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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