the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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