a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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