this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
