just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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