Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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