i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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