I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
