I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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