I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
