No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She bit a glass in half.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
