You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
