i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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