Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
