Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
