I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
