I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
