Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Im part way to drunk.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
