I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
