My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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