Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
