if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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