So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
