Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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